


I Won't Miss You

by PrinceInky



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst AF, Even I'm emotional and I wrote it, Hurt/Comfort, I don't know why I do this too myself, Multi, but without the comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 09:10:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9432056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinceInky/pseuds/PrinceInky
Summary: Basically, a "How Would Your LI Leave You" kind of thing. Each Chapter being a different LI.So if sad shit is your thing welcome aboard.





	1. Warden Alistair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is kind of ancient. Like I had these two chapters written for about a year now, maybe longer, I honestly don't know anymore. Whether I write more or not is kind of up in the air. I was just going through my docs and figured I'd fix these up and actually post them. ~Shrugs
> 
> Also feel free to yell at me on my [Tumblr](http://www.princeinky.tumblr.com/)

His hands trembled as he tried to write the same letter for the hundredth time this week. He had yet to finish it. It wasn’t right, none of them were, none of them sounded the way they should, but then again, maybe goodbye never did. 

The fire flickered off the walls of his room, their room, and it was only a matter of time before she returned. It was his last chance, he was to headed out tomorrow, on a mission he’d told her, and until she got the letter she wouldn’t know the truth of it. That was the plan, that had to be the plan because he couldn’t do this more than once, he couldn't even do it to her face, Maker damn him. 

The parchment below his hand looked ominous in the firelight, but the pen somehow found its way into the inkwell and is hand started across the page, his thoughts to paper, being forced from him like the magic from her fingertips.

***

 ** __**Hate me.

_Hate is good, hate will get you through, hate will let you move on. You can even hate me for saying that, as I am sure you already do. I can almost see your hands shaking as you read this, that cute little scrunchy thing your nose does when you're furious. How many times have I been on the receiving end of that look over the years? Too many I am sure, and yet here I am knowing I will never see it again._

_I’m sorry. More than words can say. Sorry, for the things we haven't done, the words left unsaid, what I'm leaving behind. I find myself wondering how I deserved you, now, as I’m writing this I know I never have. Lucky bastard that I've been, some habits are harder to break. It feels like running away, I know it's not, we both do, but it feels wrong, how I wish that meant something._

_I-I don't know how to say this. I've thought it a million times but the words would never come and I feel it's a disservice to you should I withhold my thoughts now. I hope you have never resented what happened that night so long ago. I--you--we saved each other from fate that night, all three of us, but I never told you, we never said what that meant after. I wish I could have given you what I gave her. I know a child hardly makes what we have together mean any more or less of anything, but I just wanted you to know, that had it been possible, I would have wanted that for us._

_I can see it, you know? It's like a cruel trick of the light, almost magic but I swear sometimes I could see what that life would have been like. Those moments when something shifts just out of sight and nothing's there? I can almost see those moments when something could have been, looking only to find our child surrounded by pieces of a broken thing, from touching something that they shouldn't have. It hurts to think about it, forming a child in my mind that's pieces of both of us and I wonder if it's the same for you? I don't know why we never talked about it. Too painful I suspect, but so is everything these days._

_You already know what I've done. I suspect so anyways, you can probably feel it, the absence. The taint, it’s stronger than before, and as many years we’ve spent together you’ll probably know the moment it happens, for that, I am deeply sorry. If there was but any other way I knew..._

_I know you don't believe this, I know you’ve tried not to, but it’s far past my time. I’ve heard the song for years now, we both knew it. That first time I asked you about it, I saw the fear flash across your face. I didn't say anything when you redoubled your efforts to find a cure, and Avernus had said he wasn't sure how long that concoction you drank at the Keep would prolong the calling for you as it was. You **will** find a cure, I know it, just not for me. I don't think I was ever meant too. We both knew that though, I could see it on your face. Sometimes you’ll get that faraway look in your eyes even though I’m right in front of you, grip me a little too tight, kiss me a little too hard. I don’t say anything because I know, and I feel it to, the end of my story, the end of ours. _

_I know I don't need to say I love you, but I will. I love you, and Makers’ breath my heart has never belonged to anyone else. Sometimes the song, it can be so loud and yet your presence can drown it out, your hands on my skin, your mouth covering my own, our bodies pressed together and for a moment all I can hear is you, and you is all I have ever wanted._

_So hate me, darling, hate me for leaving, hate me for not telling you, and hate me for not letting you say goodbye. I am not strong enough. I will not miss you, for it is more than that, I ache in ways I had not thought possible. I'm not even gone, yet my hand shakes with every word I write knowing I grow closer to the last I will speak to you. This is more, we are more than words, more than love, and I wish I did not have to go. I'm scared, darling. In the face of death I realize it isn't dying a fear, but the idea of a me without you._

 

_In this world, you were my faith_  
_My heart_  
_Alistair_

_***_

The pen found it’s way back to the well, but his hands covered his eyes. As if trying to physically keep the tears brimming from falling over onto the page, he wished it could be different. He had more to say, so much more, he could fill books with everything he wanted to tell her, everything he loved about her, but his time had run out.

Alistair’s breath ghosted over the page, the ink slowly drying and he tried to keep it together. He tried not to think about how this night would be his last with her, that these last few hours before morning would be the last he would ever share with her. The ache in his chest tried to claw it’s way out but he pushed it down, hands folding the parchment and pushing it into an envelope. The red wax clung to his fingers after he dropped it onto the seal, the warden insignia stamped into it a moment later.

“I love you,” were the first words he said to her that night, and he uttered the same a few days later, determined that they would also be his last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments/Kudos encouraged & appreciated.


	2. Cullen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, no beta or anything so if there are grammatical issues, sorry in advance.

Dearest

You must be furious. Of course you are. Not only do I pull a stunt like this, but directly after you warn me not to. You know me though, so we both knew the possibilities if we’re being honest with ourselves. I would say I’m sorry, but that is a half-truth. I am sorry for so much but leaving, it can't be one of them. I am sorry I had to leave, I am sorry faith was not enough, I am sorry I lied, and I am sorry most for I shall never again see the moon in your eyes, the sun touch your face, feel your skin against my own.

However, I am not sorry for refusing to let you see me like this. There are things I am and am not capable of, this is one of them, so please, please I beg of you darling, do **not** look for me. When it is all said and done I will be returned to you, save your goodbyes until then knowing every day I am thinking of you, and every night my heart aches as I look to the moon and try to remember your eyes. 

I know you want to see the best in me, and on my good days I want the same, but too many days are being plagued with worn edges in a worn down mind. I can remember you, I can remember our wedding, but I am loath to say I have trouble remembering how we met. The inquisition of course, but I can no longer recall the day it was, or what you looked like, how you fell from the rift and while it seems so insignificant a thing, I used to be able to recall it with perfect clarity, you took my breath away, this I know, but I can no longer summon the image to my mind.

Our first kiss, Skyhold I know, but I no longer remember who initiated it, was it you or I? Was it chaste or did we get carried away as we finally let go of everything that had been holding us back? How long had I pinned for you, how long did it take for me to even realize you were interested? How did you even wear your hair back then? 

Small things go first they say. I know you plead for me to stay but you have to remember my love, this is just what I can't remember on good days, on bad days, I can’t even remember my sister’s name… sometimes I forget her entirely. I have been told I have woken up and for hours thought I was in Kirkwall again, I can not do this to you, let you watch as I fade away in front of you. Be a shell of everything you once loved about me? I won’t do it, and while I can still understand what that means I will do damnedest to give you a good end. If this is the last decision I can make on my own I beg of you to let me have it. 

You will miss me, remember me, and weep for what I once was, but you cannot carry this burden with me. I know you hate when I say this, but you are too important and cannot give up everything for something that cannot be changed. We both knew my years of addiction would come with side effects, I may have left the order, but I cannot make it leave me. It's not as if I'm giving up, we've exhausted every route, every alliance, and connection, but this, this contamination only spreads. It is a poison and I will not have poison your last memories of me. I cannot have you watch as I forget who are, forget our love, and furthermore myself. I will not miss you, in the end, I won’t remember how, I will barely be alive at all and that is a fate worse than death.

So I leave you in good memory, and so in love with you it hurts. You may not have been able to heal my body but you healed my soul, the best of me has only been possible because of you. When our child is born, let them only have the good and none of the bad, I will never know them but my heart for them is infinite. My very core is shaken by the beauty that will become of you and our family. 

I love you, and most importantly in this moment I remember you  
My beloved

Cullen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments/Kudos encouraged & appreciated.   
> If you'd like to see more sad angst along these lines suggestions are welcomed.


End file.
